


Sit Before Lex (And Take It)

by josephina_x



Series: Triads [1]
Category: Smallville
Genre: (see the author's notes for more info via the prompt), Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alternative Sexuality, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Sexuality, Weird Biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5712130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark has to explain some facts of Kryptonian life to Lex. Slight panic ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sit Before Lex (And Take It)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meyari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meyari/gifts).



> Title: Sit Before Lex (And Take It)  
> Author: [josephina_x](http://josephina-x.dreamwidth.org/)  
> Fandom: Smallville  
> Pairing: Clark/Lex, Clark/Lois  
> Rating: G  
> Spoilers: for entire series -- post-series, futurefic  
> Word count: 3400+  
> Summary: Clark has to explain some facts of Kryptonian life to Lex. Slight panic ensues.  
> Warnings: Unbeta'd.  
> Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.
> 
> AN1: Oh god, soooo many ways I could go with this one!! *rubs hands together with glee*
> 
> \o/ to [me_ya_ri](http://me-ya-ri.dreamwidth.org/) for the totally awesome prompt!
> 
> Eheheh... This was gonna be a comment-fic, but it got a little long. [Original comment post thread lives here.](http://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org/85194.html?thread=4079050#cmt4079050)
> 
> Prompt: "Smallville, Clark/Lex + Clark/Lois, Kryptonians are biologically bisexual, with an imperative to have both a male and a female mate."
> 
> AN2: For the record *dun dun dunnn*, I firmly maintain that this is _technically_ not an AU, because nothing in Smallville canon says or even implies that the lovely 'factoid' given in the prompt is false (thus breaking the "one thing is different" maxim, hehe ;) ). Also, it still fits in with the 7-years-later events from the finale, where it is shown that Lois aggressively, erm, "dislikes" Lex Luthor to the point of being perpetually "out to get him" however she can...
> 
> In other words: not any more cracktastic than canon, and totally fits in-timeline. *eg*
> 
> ...Though I suppose that the memory-back bit might not be considered canon to some (despite the fact that it's canon that Lex has spent a lot of time, energy, and resources trying to get memories back or fill in the blanks when he's lost time, every time it's happened that we know about). Hmm. Oh well! *shrug*
> 
> (Of course, if you disagree, please feel free to tell me! :-D )
> 
> Originally posted to (LJ and) DW on (2011-07-09 and) 2011-10-05 here: ([link](http://josephina-x.livejournal.com/12851.html) and) [link](http://josephina-x.dreamwidth.org/524.html).

~*~*~*~*~*~

"This is unacceptable," Lex Luthor stated coldly.

Clark kind of wished that he was wearing his 'Superman' suit under his real suit right now -- Lex would probably have let him change into it if he had had it and asked, he was professional like that.

It felt kind of messed up to be sitting on a low chair in Lex's thoroughly soundproofed and currently-locked business office getting paced around and ranted at for 'Superman's failings.

Sometimes it kind of sucked that Lex knew his secret identity. And owned the Daily Planet where he worked, so he could call him up to meet with him whenever he wanted.

He didn't do it often, though.

Lex got cranky when he didn't get to vent, one way or another. Which usually meant fighting... or fighting. So, when 'Superman' wasn't available for that purpose, Clark usually was, which meant that Clark then got the brunt of it, or Clark-as-Kal-El, anyway. But Clark was feeling tired like he usually didn't, and a little strung out, and just wasn't up to yelling back.

Whatever it was Lex was upset about probably had something to do with the fact that 'Superman' hadn't made an appearance _anywhere_ in a little over two weeks, and Clark had a reason for that -- he just didn't really feel like sharing if he didn't have to. He wasn't entirely sure that was what had Lex all up in a tizzy, though, because he'd lost track of the one-sided "conversation" a good while back, when he'd tuned in to the sound of Lex's heartbeat and the smell of him underneath the sandalwood soap-smell and his very conservatively-applied cologne...

"--and you're _**still** not listening to me!_ " Lex hissed out, stopping in front of him and forcefully grabbing and tilting his chin up towards him with his left hand.

Clark leaned into his touch before he could stop himself, but at least he was able to stifle the whine.

Lex's eyes narrowed. Of course it would be too much to ask for his nemesis to be a little less observant for once, just _once_ in his life, and maybe a little more perceptive instead, so that he wouldn't have to explain this.

"This wouldn't have something to do with your recent marked increase in sexual congress with Lane, would it?" Lex said with a smirk, and _whatever_ the hell that was in his eyes, he was pretty sure Lex was getting the wrong idea entirely. Lex rubbed his thumb along Clark's lower jawbone absently, but Clark shivered at the sensation.

Lex stopped and blinked at him, expression going a little blank for a moment. Then he was down squatting in front of him, eye-to-eye, looking piercingly at him. "You felt that," he accused flatly.

Clark started to pull away, but couldn't. Lex still had a tight hold of him, fingers curled about each side like a vise. Not that he was _physically_ incapable of moving, but after a lifetime of breakable objects feeling about as resistive to him as paper and putty did to humans, while anything that could hold him felt 'solid', mentally he had issues with forcing himself past that point. ...Especially since he was still trying to get the hang of 'dialing in' the level of sensitivity properly.

Unfortunately, Lex noticed the trouble he was having pulling away, too. He tilted and jerked Clark's head about in small, controlled movements while Clark sat there and winced until he'd had just about enough of that. When Clark closed a hand around his wrist and Lex found he couldn't move so long as Clark kept his own arm and fingers tensed, he finally let go, and Clark did the same in return.

"Very odd, yet not entirely unexpected. When did you find out that you could amplify your sense of touch in a similar manner as all of your other senses?" Lex asked, as if he was already certain of the answer.

Clark reminded himself that he would _not_ fry Lex with his laser-beam-eye-vision, because that would be rude.

"...Three weeks ago," Clark finally admitted, because he knew Lex would just outwait him if he stayed silent. Or go for the Kryptonite.

Lex frowned. He must've guessed wrong. "It was a precursor to...?" Then he seemed to get it: sex was more satisfying when you could actually feel what was going on.

Or at least that was part of it. He'd tried blue-K with Lois before, and it hadn't quite been as... well... _good_ as it was _now_ after... Yeah. _Really_ good. Really, _really_... Ahem. --Of course, blue-K _was_ meteor rock. Never really a turn-on for him: except for Red, but red-K unchained him and sent him soaring; not the same thing at all.

"Not... quite," Clark answered Lex's unspoken question on whether he'd made his own realization about his senses, which had Lex frowning at him again, and Clark really, really missed Lex-his-friend. He really wished he was around to talk to right now. It was... weird, sharing this with a nemesis.

"All of my senses.. well, when they amped up and I had to deal with it? Were pretty much an age-progression thing." He paused. "As I was growing up." Paused again. "I'm all grown up now."

He waited.

Lex smirked. "Yes Kal, you're a big boy now," he said with a good bit of sarcasm.

God, he _still_ wasn't getting it. "I don't think girls and boys are 'icky' anymore," he added, slowly.

Lex frowned, then blinked, then frowned, then sat back on his heels as he got it. "Oh. Sexual maturity."

It sounded much better when Lex said it, at least.

"Hmm," Lex mused. And here it came: nasty snark asking what the hell he'd been doing with Lois up 'til now in 3, 2, 1...

"...Girls _and boys_?"

Clark had to stop his automatic comeback to the wrong remark. "--Wh-? ...Uh, yeah."

"You're bisexual?"

"Uh... I'm not just--" Clark started.

" _All_ Kryptonians are bisexual?" Lex amended.

Well, that was the right leap in the right direction, but Lex spoiled the landing. "Um, yes. Sort of..."

"Sort of?"

"Worse."

"...Worse?"

Clark squirmed a little.

Lex frowned at him. "Explain 'worse'," he glowered.

"Well..." Clark started tentatively.

"--because I'm willing to work around some things if you're not going to use it as an excuse or a crutch," Lex began, pointing a finger at his chest as he worked his way up into a full tirade, "but if you think you can get away with ignoring me or doing any less than your utmost best when you're in a fight with me because you're distracted by your 'male hormones', or that I'll make allowances if you decide to take off for a month-long period because you're 'in heat', or think I'll go easy on you and not dust off the the Kryptonite lasers if you're stupid enough to try and 'bring me to justice' during some male pregnancy thing--"

Clark couldn't help it. He burst out laughing hysterically. Lex looked grumpy about it, but he paused in his tirade, crossed his arms, and waited.

Clark took it back. He took it all back -- his nemesis was the _perfect_ person to talk to about this, after all! Because...

"Only-- Only you--" Clark started, then laughed a little more before he calmed down enough again. "Oh god -- only _you_ could make this seem like it could be so much worse." He shouldn't have been surprised, really -- it was what Lex _did_ , after all.

Lex waited somewhat less patiently through Clark's next giggle fit. When he'd finally started to calm down a bit, Lex raised both eyebrows in a 'Well?' expression. Between the raised eyebrows, crossed arms, and put-upon-but-patiently-suffering-to-wait expression, all that was really missing was an impatiently-tapping foot. Considering that Lex was squatting in front of him, adding that to the mix and making it work without coming across as ridiculous probably would have been somewhere in the realm of difficult-to-near-impossible, but this was Lex, so he probably could've pulled it off if he wanted to.

Rather than risk watching Lex attempt it, Clark decided to just tell him what he knew. "It's not bisexual, Lex. Bisexual is girls _or_ boys. Kryptonians are girls _and_ boys. Or, well, _a_ female and _a_ male."

Lex looked at him awhile. He looked around the room. Then he crouched a little lower and pinched the bridge of his nose like he was getting a headache.

"I don't know what to call that," Lex finally stated.

"...Kryptonian?" Clark supplied helpfully.

Lex dropped his hand and looked up at him with a glare.

Clark grinned. He couldn't help it.

"So, both males and females take one partner each of both sexes?" Lex repeated, trying to make sure he got it right.

Clark nodded.

"Is this why Kryptonian culture was so obsessed with threes?" Lex quipped dryly.

Trust Lex to focus on the individual before the group... of individuals. "Uh, no. At least one person would always not be having a good time."

Lex stared at him again.

"Threes? Two of one gender, one of the other? At most that's only one person with a full relationship group there?"

Lex was still staring.

Clark sighed and added, "Apparently, biological imperatives? Are not always mutual. But they need to be to satisfy the imperative. And they're set single pairs, no sharing. They didn't just..." he searched for a good way to put this and failed, "segment off into groups of four, two of each gender, and... mess around with whoever, whenever, or anything like that."

"...All right," Lex said slowly, obviously trying to get a handle on the idea. "What happens if you don't?" He grimaced. "What are the consequences of not meeting the imperative."

"Insanity."

Lex stared at him again.

Clark sighed.

Lex went through a lot of quick expressions trying to handle that concept, then said, "Define 'insanity'."

Clark resisted the urge to roll his eyes. What part of 'insanity' exactly was unclear? "Paranoia, delusions of grandeur, depression, mania, suicidal tendencies, homicidal tendencies, sociopathic behavior, stuff like that. Sometimes hallucinations." He sighed. "Usually not all at once or anything. Maybe not all of those for the same person -- it's different for different people, apparently. So is the time you have to find a partner after... growing up... or, well, a _new_ partner if something bad happens, or how long it takes to go downhill really badly without one, and how long to recover if you do find somebody." 'If you find somebody; if you recover' remained unvoiced.

For a split-second, Lex got that deer-in-headlights look: like he having trouble deciding whether he wanted to climb the walls, jump out the window to safety, or crawl under something and hide. Clark had sometimes seen other people get that look before, but never Lex. But he knew the feeling. Personally, he'd be happy to crawl out of his own body and exchange it for a new one. He was left guessing what Lex might be thinking, besides maybe which guns might be the best to use on a pre-crazy-before-stark-raving-mad Kryptonian, because he got a carefully neutral grim look from there on in as Lex closed his eyes and ghosted a hand up over the top of his head. Clark hadn't seen the appearance of that nervous gesture in years.

After what felt like a long time, Lex managed, "...How the hell did your species manage to surviv-- Right," he ended in a mutter, then took a deep breath and let it out.

Clark reminded himself again about the laser-eye-thing, which he still refused to call 'heat vision' -- he was making heat when he did that, not seeing it. He didn't have to try too hard not to be offended though -- under most circumstances, both normal and not-so-much, everything Lex said and did was done intentionally, but when Lex was processing blindingly new information, it _did_ sometimes take a bit for his thoughts to catch him back up to speed.

"Ok, what did they do to mitigate or hold off the insanity effect, and how effective was it? And how long do you have without resorting to such measures?"

"They didn't do anything, and I'm not sure."

"You're not-- wait, what?!" Lex started.

Clark sighed. He had a feeling he'd be doing a lot more of that before this conversation was done. He was pretty sure that surprising Lex was supposed to be a lot more fun than this.

Lex opened his mouth.

"--If you're going to malign a culture I was never really a part of, don't bother," Clark interrupted.

Lex closed his mouth.

"Look," Clark started, "From what I got from what the Fortress AI told me, there were a lot of people on Krypton. A _lot_. Most people had pretty wide preferences, and there were a lot of people to choose from. Plus, people lived everywhere and, well, they had space-travel -- planet-wide travel wasn't hard. Everybody's DNA was part of their identity, and they could usually predict compatible pairs in advance somewhat. It was only the high-echelon families that tended to have more exact requirements, and they usually screened their couples before pairing -- before marriage -- to make sure that if there were children then they would have enough workable pairs to choose from. Sometimes they even staggered or linked the births accordingly."

"...And was the El family a 'high-echelon' family?" Lex half-smiled a very superior, nasty smile that was borderline mean, and Clark knew what he was thinking.

"Yes." And under any other circumstances, Clark would've deeply loved having wiped that expression off of his nemesis' face.

"Wonderful." Lex looked like he'd swallowed something vile. "You're capable of starting to go insane to some degree at any time--"

"Apparently the normal span for finding someone for the first pairing once full maturity has hit is about two weeks to three months, and the downward-spiral-to-insanity thing at the end of it tends to be faster the longer the person can manage to hold off the worst effects," Clark supplied. "Having one of the right mutual pairings helps, but Kryptonians really need both eventually: it only about triples the time they -- I -- have to find someone for the second pairing."

"--you're picky as hell," Lex continued as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"Hey!" Clark objected.

"--and we need to find you two Krypt--"

"One."

"...One Kryptonian?" Lex looked confused.

"One human."

"Human--?"

"Lois is compatible," Clark stated flatly.

"Lucky you," Lex said sarcastically. "So, you need to find yourself a man," he quipped not-so-nicely.

"I'm sure I'll do just fine," Clark said as mildly as he could manage.

Lex curled a lip in derision and glanced away. Then, after a moment: "Are you sure that the AI isn't just messing with you?"

"Yes," Clark sighed unhappily.

"Or leaving anything out?" Lex pressed.

"I turned off the AI and went through the library database myself. I'm about as sure as I can be. I had Green Lantern check what data on Kryptonians they had on OA, too. What they did have matched."

Lex looked annoyed, as if the universe was out to screw him over, or at least undermine his rise to glory, by supplying him with a sub-par nemesis that had serious problems due to defective genetics. Though if Lex demanded a refund or trade-in, Clark was going to smack him.

"...You know," Lex began carefully, "I could probably come up with some drug regimen if you--"

"You are not getting me under, over, up, down, sideways, around, on, or underneath any medical device, what looks like it could be a medical device, or what may have sneezed twenty yards from a medical device while looking at it sideways. Ever."

And he wasn't about to make himself even possibly partially-dependent on anything to which Lex had the only control on the supply chain, either. Honorable enemy or not, that was way too much temptation for his nemesis to handle, he was almost certain.

Lex looked annoyed as he usually did whenever Clark said no to him on this front, but no more so than normal.

"Look, it's ok. Things will be back to normal soon." For certain passing odd values of normal. "I'll find someone who's a suitable partner and won't mind." And he tried very hard to say it as casually and as unworried a manner as possible, while left thinking worrying thoughts about how Lois didn't like sharing, and had a difficult time being with him and sharing 'Superman' with the world as it was. He was afraid that she only really managed it by treating those stolen hours as Clark-time, uniquely given -- time that Clark needed and set aside daily for himself, something 'Superman' had nothing to do with and had no hold over. Once she found out she would have to share Clark-time with someone else to 'keep' him at all...

And right then he really should have been paying more attention to the just-as-problematic person in front of him, as he realized he'd made a mistake the moment the words exited his mouth, even before Lex went all sharp-eyed at him.

'Suitable partner.' ...Lex barely approved of Lois' interactions with his nemesis as it was, if by 'approved' one meant something Clark would never, ever think about repeating in front of his mother. With a sinking feeling, he somehow knew that there was no way Lex was going to let Clark pick someone for some other meaningful relationship without his input; not this time.

Lex stood up, and he hit the ground running.

Clark ground his palms into his eyes, holding his head in his hands and trying to tune out the world in general as Lex paced about, verbally making nefarious plans (what else?) on how they (read: Lex) would determine a proper, _suitable_ mate (for his nemesis) and then find and forcefully conscript such a man to the cause (the poor guy). Clark didn't bother to bring up that Lois might have a very big problem with all this, on so _very_ many levels, nor did he think it wise to point out that he already knew his preferences for males, which were (duh) grounded in physical sensations, what with the whole genetically pre-programmed "biological imperative" thing: sight -- fey lovely, graceful, long-limbed, thin and tall -- and taste -- deceptively sharp and a little salty-wet, barest trace of hidden sweetness -- and sound -- soothing tone, lilting-rising-falling-flowing -- and smell -- mild, a little like orange-over-cloves, yet wholly masculine -- and touch -- soft and smooth over hard whipcord muscle. This was hardwired and not subject to change. He also didn't want to point out the obvious conclusion, either: that there were probably only a very very few male humans on the planet who would meet the necessary physical criteria to satisfy his imperative. It didn't bear mentioning that this was all before taking into account what little choice he did have in the matter: the _mental_ traits he looked for in a partner.

...And he _definitely_ wasn't about to let Lex know that one of those rare people was in the room with him right now, because, knowing Lex, he'd probably spin on his heel and start tearing the place apart looking for the invisible eavesdropper while demanding to know who _dared_ to listen in on their private nemesis-to-nemesis conversation. A third person _who wasn't there_.

...So, yeah. Brilliant? Yes. Observant? --Hell yes. Perceptive? Not so much.

Wise? No.

Suitable?

...

Wouldn't mind??

...

...

...

He was so screwed.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Author's Note:**

> AN3: Man, I am so not done with this 'verse in such a bad way. And oh god, I just cannot get over this prompt. It would explain so much! *bows before the greatness that is [me_ya_ri](http://me-ya-ri.dreamwidth.org) *
> 
> ...Oh, and don't worry about Conner: he's only half-Kryptonian, and Lex is genetically 'easy' ;)
> 
> Speaking of which, here's an add-on prompt that I guess is actually more of another Unfortunate Implication than anything, if anybody would like to play in here with me (or similar?)... *bigeyes*
> 
> Prompt:  
> Smallville, Zod/?(author's choice), Kryptonians are biologically bisexual, with an imperative to have both a male and a female mate at all times. Failure to have suitable mates after reaching sexual maturity tends to cause mental instability. Kal-El is Zod's male type, as was Jor-El before him. Zod is highly displeased that Kal has chosen to Kneel before Lex.
> 
> *cackles, 'cause did we _really_ need another reason why Zod _had_ to use Lex as his Vessel? ...Actually, yes -- yes, we did ;) *


End file.
